Five years ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember it all as if it were yesterday...my knees buckling under me, the numbness that washed over me, the inability to process information. The fear of all of the unknowns.
It was also 2020. The anxiety of the entire world over this "novel virus" added layers of difficulty, stress, and anxiety to an already scary diagnosis. Doctor appointments, surgery, treatments all had to be faced alone. The fear of contracting Covid that could potentially delay treatments kept me in isolation in a season when the comfort of people was needed the most. Those days were dark days indeed.
As this significant anniversary approached, I spent time reading through and reflecting on my journal entries as I walked the road of cancer and the subsequent years of health struggles. I found myself crying as I remembered the fear, the pain, and the wrestling with God. But I also found myself filled with joy and thanksgiving as I read through all the many ways God carried me through each and every moment.
I saw in my journal that I was never truly alone. He showed up for me as I walked with my heart pounding in my chest to my first appointment after diagnosis. A woman "just so happened" to ride in the elevator with me, going to the same office. She had received good news while I had received the bad. We walked into the office together, and somehow I was comforted by her presence. And before she left me in the waiting room, she looked me straight in the eye and told me she was praying for me. I knew immediately that God did that. And I was comforted.
He repeatedly flooded my heart and mind with Scripture verses. As I underwent a particularly painful procedure, a kind and compassionate nurse placed a stress ball in my right hand, and God reminded me of Isaiah 41:13 - "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the One who helps you.'" And I was again comforted.
My last thought before falling asleep on the operating table was of Jesus and the cross, and I remembered how much more HE suffered on His cross for my sake. And I felt peace.
The ways in which God carried me through this journey are countless. He gave me a husband who lovingly cared for me and patiently walked with me as I fought to heal. He willingly carried more than his share at home because I couldn't. My children and their families showed up to care for me. Can I just say that grandchildren are a WONDERFUL distraction and bring healing joy!? Text messages from friends with just the right words or songs were used by our Lord to remind me that He was near.
During the moments I was walking through the treatments and fatigue, it felt overwhelming, but looking back I can see that God was holding me fast and carrying me through, giving me all that I needed to take the next step and do the next thing even when I thought I couldn't. Even when my mind couldn't pray or retain Scripture, He remained steadfast and faithful.
Five years later I have realized that God was revealing Himself to me through the suffering of cancer. He was showing me His steadfast love and faithfulness. He showed me that His promises to never leave me or forsake me were true. He was teaching me and leading me to learn to trust Him...for He is truly worthy of my trust. I know the goodness of God more today than I did at the beginning of this journey, and for this I am truly thankful!
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your Name, O Most High." (Psalm 9:1-2)
Post a Comment