When a Comfort Addict Becomes Uncomfortable

What can I say...I love to be comfortable! I love reading books that make me feel comfortable.. They can have some drama, but not too much and they must always have a happy ending. Same with my movies. My very favorite movies are Jane Austen movies...you know, Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, Emma...they totally feed my comfort addiction. Make me feel at peace. I want my house to be comfortable, my job to be comfortable, my family, my friends, my church, and my relationship with God all to be comfortable.  I rarely allow myself by choice to be uncomfortable and when circumstances come into my life (and believe me, they do) that make me uncomfortable, I do everything in my power to get things back on track to the comfortable.

It was about a year ago that God graciously (and yet painfully) stepped into my life and opened my eyes to the sinful state of my heart. He showed me the idolatry that was deep inside me, and has, for the past year, been patiently and mercifully working on changing me and taking down the idols that have so long controlled my every move. He has been, little by little, calling me out of my safe and comfortable life into a life of submission and obedience to Him.

For the past two months I've been pushed even further than usual out of the comfortable into this place of uncomfortable and frankly I don't like it! In February I was asked to lead the Lenten services at my church. I loved the aspect of being able to plan the structure of the services, fill in all those details about order of service, theme, etc. All still well within my comfort zone and well within my abilities as an Administrative Assistant, and all behind the scenes. However, there was one just one piece to this that I did not like...the "up front talking in church" piece. I despise speaking in front of people. Quite frankly it terrifies me and since I avoid all things that cause me fear and make me uncomfortable, I've rarely had to do it. However, I felt in my heart God asking me to trust Him with my fears and follow Him on this journey.

So I did. I agreed to take on the leadership responsibilities and began the praying and planning, with this sick feeling of dread in my stomach. As I began the planning, I was looking for the minimum "up front time" for me and still looking for an out...maybe I could find someone else to do the talking for me...like Aaron for Moses. Again, I knew that this was not what  God wanted me to do, but you can't blame a girl for trying! As the plans began to take shape they seemed to take on a life of their own.  In the midst of all this planning, God was working on my heart. Pressing me to trust Him. Pressing me to walk away from my idol of comfort. It soon became obvious to me that this journey was going to require more from me than I could give in my own strength.  The theme for Lent is Shaped & Called by Jesus...and in a nutshell it's a journey through our brokenness and how God shapes us through testing, new birth, through our thirst and calls us out of darkness to new life and into worship. Each week someone is sharing a personal story of brokenness surrounding the theme for that day, and two of those people sharing are my husband and me.

This coming Sunday is the halfway point and is the Sunday my husband will be sharing. I have had many points since this whole things started of intense struggle and prayer. But this past week in particular I was really struggling with doubts, with fears, with insecurities. My emotions were on edge. I became agitated and restless and found myself desperately looking for ways to ease my discomfort. In the past I would seek to make everything comfortable again...I'd lose myself in a movie or a book...do anything to get rid of these feelings that I was experiencing or get out of the situation I was in. But through my journey this past year, and especially all that I've been learning through Lent, I know that all that I am doing is running to other gods to ease my anxieties and not running to my God. I don't want to do that anymore. Even if it means I have to remain in this scary place.

God is teaching me. Teaching me by pushing me outside of my comfort zone to run to Him. He is teaching me trust Him. He is teaching me to not fear Him. He is teaching me to love and obey Him. He is teaching me to cling to Him.  So, in spite of not necessarily liking this place I am in right now (and will remain in until after Easter), I am so grateful for it. I'm grateful because of how it is changing me and how it is moving me closer to the God that I love and I so long to be in relationship with.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23